By J. Faith Malicdem // July 29, 2019
The question "how do you feel about leaving for college?" has presented itself and caught me off guard in the past couple of weeks, which it shouldn't... given the frequency at which the interrogation has commenced has only grown exponentially throughout the summer. To sum it up: I'm excited, but nervous. Just like everyone anticipating the life shift. But to delve into the truth of it all: I don't feel anything. Maybe it's a wave of derealization I'm in, maybe everything feels downplayed right now because of the anxiety and stress that's numbed me. ~ It's almost like a period of limbo. Kinda like when you're waiting for Lyft to connect you to nearby drivers, or when you're put on hold on the phone and are forced to listen to 80s muzak. It's easy to lose consciousness. I feel that I've already bid my farewells to my loved ones and friends who have been pulled apart from me thanks to the early stages of adulthood and distance. I already don't feel at home in my own city, or at my favorite hangout spots. I feel that I already have closure. So what's left to say goodbye to?
And what if my anticipated farewells are empty? Meaning, I had nothing, or no one, to tie loose ends with in the first place. For instance, what I thought was a good-running friendship meant nothing to the person on the other end to begin with. People already seem to have come to terms with me being gone, so I supposed I should, too.
And I have. I couldn't be more ready to go.
Nonetheless, the lengthy almost-18 years I've spent here have truly been fulfilling in many ways. I'm grateful. But, man, I cannot wait to see what's to come in this new life away from everyone and everything I know. Thank you for growing with me.
All my best, Faith